sidelines.

i've spent some time playing and i've had my timeouts too. some were deserved, some i asked for. and then there are the times when someone pours honey on your kit and well, that's it.
you know what i'm talking about, even if you don't know the phrase. it's like getting fired from a job and they tell you it's for the best. your parents did it when they punished you and told you it was your own good, you get slapped or kicked about in someway but apparently it's all about you and how it will make you better or stronger or sharper.
and in a lot of ways, it's the truth.
simon morefield was in my year at highschool. he played rugby for the team, he was pretty decent at it too. he was a big guy - great body, a bit chunky, hairless, you know the sort, and he ate like a horse.
(when i say he ate like a horse i mean that he ate a lot, not that he shoved his mouth in a old sack to gobble oats. although, he could have gobbled mine any time he please, but that's a different perversion story.)

his kit bag was like a small pantry, it had dirty shoes, smelly socks (think cabbage and damp newspaper) and towels that i fantasized about stealing and rubbing my dick with (there i go again). ok, the ADD wins... [diversion] i know a secret about SM. my first real life experience of seeing a sexual act with my own eyes was him. in the showers after rugby practice (yes, i played too). and there he was down the bottom end of the long shower block, i was getting in to shower before going home thinking the place was empty and someone had just let the showers all stay running.

and there he was. butt-fucking the hell out of one of his mates. and i mean, hard, slamming, animal, gotta-drill-to-china, butt-fucking, sex. they were so involved with their little nuclear reaction that they didn't even see me. i stood there... my dick was throbbing with an ache i had never felt in my life, but it wasn't hard. that was weird.

and i watched...

looking back, the fact that this was bareback seems insane, but we're talking 15 year olds in nineteen-eighty-cough-cough.

to be honest, i don't think i've ever really recovered from that moment in time. some things just stay with you i guess. ok, back to the honey. [end diversion]

so it's raining. probably a wednesday, we always had a 3 hour sports session on wednesday afternoons, last class periods of the day (1 to 4 pm) and we're out on the field, coach is yelling, whistling and simon is running like fuck to make a play. and one of his boots splits.

he hobbles off to change, sits down in the wet grass and mud and takes his boots off, reaches his hand into his bag to rummage for his other pair. in slow-motion and with a look of weirdness on his face he withdraws his hand with the physical motions of someone who had just given a diseased cow a rectal exam, a few of us were looking at all this and just started watching. simon couldn't take his eyes off his hand. dripping from his fingers was a golden colored, gooey slime. it was everywhere, he used his other hand and reached in gingerly to pull out various things and everything was covered in this stuff. he was pissed and all we heard was 'god fucking damn honey'.

turns out, ol mr. hardfuck was carrying a big tub of honey in his kit, apparently he was a regular winnie-the-pooh for the stuff. and the plastic container had failed... honey everywhere. including his spare boots.

so there you are. fucked, basically.

i continued to watch the burly guy sat on wet grass. when he thought no one was looking, he reached in and took one of his glazed boots. and began to lick it.

he licked the honey right of that sonofabitch like it was an iced bun at teatime. i think that's when my thing for guys and sneakers kicked in too, looking back. but here was a guy knocked out of the game and put in a timeout by a bunch of bees and their syrupy vomit and he just did the next best thing to being out on the field. he ate honey. off his kit.

i was repulsed and turned on in a weird way. whatever, i never forgot it or the lesson it taught me. when fate pours honey on your kit. lick it off.





so yeah, sidelines.

i'd been in that place for a while. i took a crap "good" (Get Out Of Debt) job, cleaned out my cellphone of a lot of numbers, in the end changed my number too. dropped from the social scene, the 'oh yeah, tak'll organize that' role, the 'tak will show us what to do' mode and basically pulled every corner of the blanket it. self-imposed to some degree but a bit of honey on the kit attention from the universe too. a time-out for two years.

it's been interesting to see just how simply you can live, what you don't need to do, what is just 'noise' and how little BS you can decide to deal with. now i make no excuses for people and their crap. regardless of whoever it is, if they dish it, i fling them. garbage. "are you sure you want to permanently delete this?" - easy.. yes. one particular 'old friend' is still trying to come to terms with it. still wants to 'talk about it' (translate: his feelings, his pov, his reality) and i'm so over it that it was even hard for me to (eventually) tell him to move on and get a life.

if you're not in control, you're being controlled.

i feel like i've learnt a lot. the universe has an amazing program if we shut up and listen. in two years i've worked out that i can 'get over myself' as easily as just deciding. i can 'deal with things' if i want to, not have to work up to anything. i'm beginning to believe i really do have some intrinsic worth and value to some people, and those people who like me for those things have become dearest to me. i've learnt to 'bet on myself' and to never quit thinking. and i've learnt to filter out the voices of family and 'friends' who mean well and instead listen to myself. that was something i always did, but i also took the other voices into account. what i learnt was, very often their advice was biased to their needs.

i was that guy who had something to say, i forgot about that. i still think i'm a bit boring, truth is, when it comes down to it, i really don't have a lot to say. i like to spend time with people and then not say a lot, just spend time.

sit a while, got the time? maybe we'll see something to laugh at.

so yeah, life has coming looking for lil mr. tic-tak, i've been playing hide-and-seek for some time, and it found me. i know there's a few things left to do to finish off this period of time, no worries there though. it's time to start looking forward again.

Oh no, not me, I never lost control
You're just face to face with the man who sold the world
(they thought you'd died a long long time ago)
Oh no, not me.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 28, 2006 at 6:09 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.