weather report.

there's thunder tonight. not just outside.

friend M in phoenix went driving tonight and called me. we spoke of just what was really going on in his world and options and ways to deal with crap. i have to say, probably one of the best conversations i've had with him in so very long.

let me fill you in. i've known M (sorry, everyone will always be a letter, i will always maintain a confidential mode, afterall, i have no right to reveal people) anyway, known him for about 5 years. army guy, electrician by trade. tough guy, quiet type. but my god, soft in the center like a warm gummy bear.

he has seen me at my best and my worst. and still he sticks around. he pisses me off sometimes with his 'guy' mentality, deals really well with the fact that although a confirmed hetero he has no problem when i say something off the cuff about some guy. i like my friend M. i love him. and it's mutual.

tonight he went driving and sat on a mountain side, east of I-10 and south of phoenix. and called me.

finally we had the opening up. the flood gates collapse and the barriers gone. i got M pure and sure. my chest doesn''t hurt now. he said a couple things that showed me he really trusted me and it scared me, i mean, now i really know i have a responsibility. if i said something one way or another it could really influence him and i would be the cause. yikes.

so we dealt with the thunderstorm of what's going on and maybe found some ways to deal with the next 6 months. he probably isn't going to come home in august, and i had to be two things. first truthful and then honest.

in code
let me fill you in on our code. when you speak 'truthfully', it's from your mind, what you know to be true or real. logical, enduring. when we say we are speaking 'honestly' it's all about the heart and what you are feeling in the moment. it doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be real 5 minutes later even. on top of that we will sometimes call and announce with a hello/how are you that we are gonna go all x-chromo and each other knows it's gonna be milk on the floor and broken finger nails and 'temporary'.

so tonight i told him truthfully that it was ok if he wasn't back, nothing would change, everything was ok. but honestly (you following here?) that it was like a kick in the nuts not to have him back in a few weeks and it would be a pain and a hurt.

well anyway, it works for us.

there isn't 'sex' in our friendship, but there is a deep seated emotional relationship. he is a massage therapist (proper trained, not a convenient tag for 'slut') as well as everything else and i am the one who trained him in energy work. we will work on each other and be naked while getting a massage. it's so cool that it's not even something we notice anymore. he is the brother i never had growing up.

no conspiracies please
ken lay is dead. wikipedia went frikkin insane today with a crap load of edits on his page. heart attack, suicide, and on and on and on it went. i wouldn't be surprised if wiki hasn't locked down his page right now. interesting isn't it, how 'nature' works. he avoids the consequences (well earthly ones) of his actions, never gets to see the inside of a prison cell and thousands of employees will live out his legacy sans retirement.

i remember, and i remember that i am not scared (well, maybe just a little)
tomorrow is the anniversary of the fuckhead bombings in london. i woke to the news on cnn at about 4am, even though i was sleeping, my mind obviously heard the words and reports and woke me up. tube trains, death, bus bomb, death, carnage, london chaos, everything shut down.

violence makes me cry.

don't get me wrong, if i am out on a friday night for a pint with the lads and trouble kicks off, i am the first one there to sort it out. for a short-stack runt i am ready to swing a punch to defend a friend. but violence makes me cry. it's not the dead and wounded that make me cry so much as the violence itself created by the idiots. i can't really explain it.

you should see me break stuff with my hands and feet ( i do tae kwon do) - i yell out and use cold steel precision. but on the inside i am crying.

fucking wuss.

so much fear and paranoia going around these days. who needs bird flu to kill society.. it's happening already in small ways, slowly, each day. the collective dread waiting for the other shoe to drop. and so much awkwardness now, when september comes around.

manaña
tomorrow i have got 9 commissioned pieces of art to finish. small project really but i still haven't put brush to paper. i'll let you know how it goes...

for now, me and my friend, mr. bacardi select and a bottle of diet coke and some ice are enjoying a quiet night reading email, watching 'children of dune' with the sound turned down and listening to depeche mode sing about enjoying the silence.

this is me. and this is you reading this. this is the record of the time.



quelquefois
sometimes life just catches me unawares. the whole immensity of it, the enormity of our being together, apart, living, dying, everything. and it almost chokes me. i am stunned by life. be well, secret reader.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 05, 2006 at 11:59 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.